Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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