Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
