Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
