You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize