I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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