i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
