I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
