I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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