the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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