She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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