Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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