When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
