I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
