Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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