I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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