Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
