My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
