She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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