Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
