he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
