I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
