I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
