So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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