I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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