i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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