this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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