Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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