I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
