at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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