I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
