I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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