you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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