farters have to be the big spoon...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
