I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize