My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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