a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
