I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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