I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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