I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize