I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
