We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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