She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Sober January is a disaster.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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