Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
