Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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