i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
