Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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