apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
