New invention idea: vibrating tampons
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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