I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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