shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
