You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
