My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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