I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
