then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
