i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
