Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
