Jerry, you need to find god
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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