Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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