watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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