If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
