He is such a slut. More and more my type.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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