Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize