She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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