I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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