Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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