bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
