Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
